I'm an Overcomer

Madisa's song is reverberating in my mind, and it is inspiring me to not quit or give in. The start to school has been a bit rocky. I had my first test this week and I did not get a score I'm happy with. I know that God will walk me through this too, so I put my faith in Him. It has been a rough transition into school. I'm still doing well with going to Orange Theory at least three times a week, working towards five, but not there just yet.

Today I'm tired, and feeling a bit overwhelmed. I had an interaction with a beloved and valuable friend, and I was much less than loving, kind, and encouraging. I'm working through that with the Lord, and it brings me to other areas I need to grow in. I've been a co-dependent for so much of my life, and I believe shedding that skin is a necessary step in my walk.

I'm sort of holding steady on my weight right now, but eating right in my super busy schedule has been challenging. I've gotten almost en entirely new wardrobe since working and going to school means I need to wear decent looking clothes, and nothing I had previously seemed to fit. It is a good thing.

Lifestyle Changes

I'm seeing my life change on a daily basis. Change is the one thing we can count on in our lives, and I have always been aware of that, but in the past it seemed like change wasn't always healthy. Today, I choose healthy, and tomorrow I hope to do the same. I do not always make perfect choices, but the choices I make now are much more calculated than previously.

For example, yesterday I did my first Dry Tri at Orange Theory Fitness (OTF). A Dry Tri is a in gym triathlon that includes a 2000 meter row, 600 body weight movements, and 2.5k power walk or 5k run. I'm not a runner yet, so for me it was the power walk. I finished in roughly an hour, and I have a real sense of accomplishment just from finishing. This is not something I could have done 3 months ago when I first joined OTF. My 12 year old daughter was able to come cheer me on, and afterward I promised to take her to DelTaco. This is one of the only fast food places we ever eat at. I walked in planning on ordering my usual, 2 chicken soft tacos on soft corn tortillas without secret sauce, and then got sucked in by the Queso Blanco advertising.

Here is where it gets amazing. As we were coming out of OTF I could smell french fries, I'm not sure where the scent came from, but  I commented to my daughter that they smelled yummy. I like french fries, but for me they are not typically hard to resist. This day was no different, until we were looking at the Queso Blanco menu and they had cheese fries. In the past I might have just had them, but thanks to fast food menuing that includes the calories, I knew they were 500 calories. Some quick calculations, knowing that I actually hadn't eaten much for the day, and I realized I could indulge, a little. I asked my daughter if she would like to split an order, decided to get only one taco and no iced coffee, but unsweetened iced tea. This is a win!

Did I need fries? No, I could have gone without them. Did I allow myself a food that sounded good when I was in the mood? Yes, because I know that allowing myself an occasional day of reduced vigilance, especially in the light of so much physical activity, keeps me from feeling deprived. Feelings of deprivation can lead to binges, and I want to avoid that. The key here is knowing when to give in to a craving, and when to exercise will power. In the end, giving in to the craving is actually will power because I made a careful decision, not a decision made in a moment ruled by emotional eating. That is powerful indeed.

It is Official, I'm at 299 lbs

I know, I've been close for a while, but today the scale actually read 299. I'm so excited to be continuing to lose weight. It feels good to have lost 64lbs, and counting. I'm rediscovering my love of clothes shopping, although some things are cut strange, and sometimes my body is a strange shape.

So, I have always been honest with you about the changes happening, and I feel like I still need to be. The one that is disconcerting right now is that the extra skin on my lower belly folds and I'm lovingly calling it my second butt. My husband gets offended I call it that, but let me tell you, it is hard to dress it. Pants that fit right everywhere else don't quite fit the second butt correctly.

This is a journey, and I know it isn't always going to be great. However, the payoff is feeling better and being healthier. That is well worth every effort.

Hello from My Busy Life!

Whew! It has been a while. I didn't even realize how long until I shared my blog with a new friend I made at Heart Change over the weekend. The journey continues. I have still not dropped below 300, but I'm super close. This lifestyle is becoming more of habit. My youngest daughter started school last week, and I'm driving her and her BFF to school everyday so I can go to Orange Theory right after. I'm actually enjoying starting a schedule.

I feel like as I settle into that schedule, and get started in school it will be a good thing. It is going to make it easier, having a routine. Routine has never been a strong point for me. I'm not always sure I'm designed to do the same things day in and day out. We will see how that goes. Meanwhile, I need to regulate diet amidst the rest of this.

I haven't been so strict on diet, and I'm finding that since my body was already sort of trained on diet I tend to still be okay in not being too strict. I haven't been keeping track daily, but when I do go to check my diet I usually find that I'm on track, or under on daily calories. My body has become accustomed to smaller portion sizes, frequent small meals, and much less sugar. My daughter gave me a brownie the other night after I got home from Heart Change, and everyone said it was super delicious, but I found it too sweet and as much as I enjoy chocolate two bites was plenty for me. Those sort of changes encourage me.

Although the things that have been really encouraging me are the increased ability to do things in and out of the gym. We went to the beach and the walk up the steep hill was no biggie for me. I did 70 squats down to the bench last week. Something I don't think I could have done one of when I started Orange Theory. I'm getting ready now to do the dry triathlon at Orange Theory in two weeks. I'm not sure I can finish it in the allotted hour, but I'm going to give it my best try.  I will update you on my progress on that. It is my first step toward a traditional triathlon, which I hope to do next summer. Up and onward I go!

This Journey

Once again, some time has passed since my last blog. I've been very busy getting ready for school, both for myself, and my two daughters. I'm still kind of maintaining in about the same place I was. I think I may have shook the plateau, we will see. I was helping at a Heart Change workshop, and I found myself in the position of eating the food placed before me. I put it in God's hands. When I came back I was about 4 lbs up from when I had left, but that weight dropped off quickly. I think perhaps my body had gone into starvation/conservation mode, so I wasn't losing. Now I hope it is convinced that I was not starving, and I can start dropping again.

I am finding that I'm ready to start downsizing my clothes. I have a lot that don't fit, some of them very nice, and I will be listing them on eBay. I'm also trying to get my wardrobe ready for school. I'm finding that I'm enjoying clothes shopping again. Something I really haven't had the pleasure of doing for many years, or at least not without heading out of town to a special store. Now I can fit into sizes that are carried at Ross, and other stores. It is nice to be able to shop in a regular store.

You know, maybe in my mind I was downplaying that, but it is a really big non-scale victory. I forgot how much I love to clothes shop. I will have to be careful, because it could become an unhealthy addiction. Perhaps I need to work in retail again. I'm not sure, with all that is on my plate, that I'm ready to add a job to it. I feel like my days right now revolve around meal prep, exercising, and managing the household. To that I will be adding school. I want to see how I can manage all that before I bite off way more than I can chew.

I'm Still Here, and Still Working Hard

It has been so long since I created a new post, and I apologize. The weight has been coming off slowly, but it has been coming off. I'm not below 300 just yet, but getting oh so close. Lately life has been filled with so many non-scale victories that I had to share them here. My hubby and I spent the day together, and as part of the day we went to the Ross store in Albany. I think it tends to have more plus size clothing than the one here in Corvallis. Everything I tried on fit, and I tried on 3x and some 2x. I actually bought two items that were 2x. I haven't been able to fit a 2x since before I met my hubby over 19 years ago. Wow! It is pretty exciting to be able to walk into a store and find things that fit, I've had to catalog shop, or shop at special plus size stores for years.

Also on the note of sizing, and changes, I had to buy new winter shoes this week. I have always had wide feet, and for many years I've only worn Crocs, Birkenstocks, and Merrell Moccasins, but my feet have really been changing. Last week we had a bit of a cold snap and I decided to wear my Merrell's. After I had them on, I had to admit that my feet had gotten so much narrower that they were slopping around in my shoes. Since the shoes don't tie, they weren't going to work for winter. We were shopping in Albany and I saw these cute Clark shoes. They looked like they would be great for winter and walking around the college I'll be attending this fall, but I also didn't think they would fit. I've worn size 10s for years because I needed the width, but I've always been a size 9 1/2. These shoes were a 9 1/2 and regular width, I almost didn't try them on. My hubby persuaded me, and they fit, beautifully. Since they tie, they should be functional for a while.

Now, some non clothing related victories. This one is about movement. I have had a hard time with stairs for several years, only taking them when I absolutely have to. A couple of days ago we were in Market of Choice and although I rode the elevator up to go to the bathroom, I took the stairs down. Down is the harder for me, and I won't lie, it was still rough but I did it. Mobility is becoming so much less an issue. God is still working on my negative talk and attitudes about mobility.

The negative talk God is helping me overcome lately is the one that involves fitness. I love going to Orange Theory Fitness, something I thought I would never say. Even so, sometimes I find myself working hard to convince myself that I want to go. I always enjoy it once I get there, but I have this old negative thing about going to the gym. I'm realizing it is tied to a deeper lie that I am not athletic. My life choices have not been athleticism, but those were my choices, my body has always been capable of it. I am realizing that saying I'm not an athlete when I have athletic goals is like creating a self fulfilling prophecy. That is no longer how I live. I'm not limited by the past.

Perhaps that is the greatest victory, and one I'm constantly reaffirming, I'm not limited by what I have been. My future is today, this moment, now. I can choose how I want to move forward in this moment, and with the Lord's guidance and transformation my choices are getting better all the time. I'm happy to be moving ahead, and I can't wait to see what tomorrow is, but today I'm going to Orange Theory Fitness, and then maybe the Farmer's Market.

Lifestyle Decisions

Lifestyle, it has to support any pursuit of health. Dictionary.com defines lifestyle as "the habits, attitudes, tastes, moral standards, economic level, etc.,that together constitute the mode of living of an individual or group." You must change each of those things if you want to successfully change from a pursuit of dis-ease, to a pursuit of health.

Let me break this down. Habits and attitudes often walk hand in hand. I have a very dear friend who has a habit of dis-ease. He doesn't see it as that, but it is none the less. He likes to go to convenience stores. He has done it for so long that I don't think he can imagine not going to them. My family on the other hand, very rarely goes to one. In this habit, he buys a diet soda. Would he buy that diet soda if he went to a regular grocery? Perhaps, but his trips to the convenience store often cause him to buy 2 for 1, or a bigger size because of the "special". This is not a condemnation of convenience stores, sometimes they are necessary, road trips for example. However this friend doesn't even have a car, so why go there? The decision to walk in the door in the first place comes from a attitude of thinking that convenience stores are, as the name implies, inherently more convenient. When you don't have a car, are they really? If you do have a car, the only time they are really "convenient" is when you have to stop to fuel up. This has become a habit for my friend, and as such it partly defines his lifestyle. Again, this is not a condemnation of convenience stores, but besides a very few items like water, nuts, or fruit, there isn't very much in them that supports a pursuit of health.

For this discussion, I believe I am going to skip over moral standards for today. Morals do play into a pursuit of health, but I do not think they are as key a factor as economic level. I may get some flack for this, because there are many who do not think they can pursue health if they are low income. I myself have at times been a victim of this kind of thinking. Let me tell you though, we are by all standards low income, yet my needs are always met. My family has spent many years on food stamps, and with thoughtful budgeting there is no reason that food stamps are not sufficient to pursue healthy eating goals. There are of course some challenges, but nothing determination and planning cannot overcome. 

Exploring that thought further, for years I told myself I couldn't support going to the gym. It is challenging, even now, but there are many things I can go without so that I can go to the gym. The bottom line is priorities. Are you willing to prioritize your health? Or do you really need the big screen tv? Many times over the years my husband and I have made choices that sacrifice something else so we can pursue our health. When you have your health, you have time to figure out those other things. As for me, I choose to chase after my health with everything I have, while I still have time.

I am blessed. God protected me for so long, until I got the wake up call last year. All these changes I make, they are lifestyle decisions. My husband said that when I joined Orange Theory Fitness he knew that it was just going to become part of our lives. Part of the new norm. What attitudes do you need to rework? What habits need changed? How do you know? Stop, and ask yourself does this support my long term health? If they answer is no, just stop. It is empowering to know that you can stop. If you can't stop, think that through, and decide how you can align it to your long term goals. Now go, run your race!