Wow, I dropped the ball--Sorry! I am back, and ready to share.

 It has been so long since I wrote a post here, 2 years and 5 months to be exact. My journey admittedly kind of stalled for a time. It never completely stopped I suppose, but life and busyness sort of kept me from focusing on my health. I would try to recapture the momentum I had when I was blogging all the time, but with very little support from my spouse, a full time job, and still being in school I just wasn't able to maintain the trajectory I was on when I was actively in pursuit. I would by lying if I said the pandemic didn't make a difference as well. So let me give a brief overview of the last almost two and half years as I also dive into where I am today.

I was starting my first term at OSU in my last blog, and I had several terms with varying success at OSU. I currently sit 4 classes away from graduating. One of those classes I have struggled with and taken multiple times. This term I am not in classes, and I may not be until Fall of 2021, but that is yet to be determined. At this time I am still in process of making a plan to finish those last 4 courses. One big thing that happened while I was at OSU is that I found a job I love. I work in a secured adolescent residential mental health facility. I love being able to have a positive impact in kid's lives, and contribute to my community working with a population that is difficult to work with. 

The impact of the trauma of my daughter losing her youth pastor was still being processed in my last blog, and so much has changed since then, but the trauma is still affecting us. Today my daughter faces substantial mental health issues that we are navigating. They are probably exacerbated by me kicking her dad out in September of 2020, eleven months after we moved from Albany back to Corvallis.  Our marriage had been dead for a long time, and there were a lot of things that led up to the eventual decision that divorce was the only answer. I had clung to that marriage in a combination of desperation, fear of the unknown, and stubbornness. It took a balancing act of several things to see how my next step in my life had to be to move on, and my kids pushing me was no small part of the motivation.

As to my health journey, sometime during these last couple of years I read a book that really inspired me, called Bright Line Eating. I love the psychological perspective on eating, but I have tried the system several times without sustainable success. On my last weigh in I was at 307.5, down 26 lbs from where I restarted on November 7th of 2020. I would say I am appalled that I let it climb back up that high, but the reality is that so many things were going on, and the way of eating was not enough of a habit for me to sustain. I was doing pretty good with Bright Line Eating in the beginning of 2020, but then the pandemic hit, and I walked into Trader Joe's where the entire freezer section (one of the key ways I prep) was empty, and I just abandoned my plan. Add to that a job where they feed you, but of course it is not the healthiest diet for someone looking to lose weight, and it was a recipe for weight gain. I was going along in a what difference does it make manner, when in November something changed.

I met this amazing man, someone I didn't ever anticipate I would meet, especially given the timing. No doubt, I was on a dating site, but I wasn't looking for anything serious. It is astounding how serious it got, and how fast. What is better yet, is that he is not just supportive of all my goals, he encourages me, and gives me guidance in pursuit of them. The first for us to tackle as a couple was getting healthy. See, if you have read my blog much, or followed my journey, we know that I intellectually understand what needs to happen for me to be healthier. (I honestly feel that many who are overweight are in this same boat.) The struggle is the actions and maintaining of healthy habits. This is where accountability becomes a big thing. My partner holds me accountable in many ways, but doesn't allow me to walk alone on this journey. We walk together, even though he is in a different place in it than I am. My ex would try to encourage me, but basically from the sidelines. It honestly just irritated me because it felt condescending and like a hypocrite was trying to tell me how to do better. This is how much of his "encouragement" felt. 

You will want to know what plan I am currently following, what is the formula, that is what everyone always wants to know. I have the same answer that every overweight person has heard a million times and detests, it is different for everyone. I started out basing my plan on Bright Line Eating (BLE), but with my job, the combination of odd breaks, and emotional ups and downs, BLE didn't feel sustainable. I still use their portioning for my lunch to a degree. What I primarily use, which is what I have primarily used successfully in the past, is SparkPeople. I use their calorie recommendations, and at the suggestion of my significant other my goal is to keep 30% or more of my calories from protein, and always more calories from protein than carbs. I shouldn't eat gluten at all, it gives me a terrible reaction. I had some last week, and today I am feeling under the weather, so I have to wonder if that is still related to the gluten. When I eat it, I ache everywhere. I also avoid added sugar, and try to minimize sweeteners. If I am using a low cal sweetener I choose stevia or monkfruit. 

The gyms just opened back up this last week in town, and I am trying to go a minimum of 3 times a week for now. I also have a step goal, that I am doing horrible at, of 8000 steps a day. On work days I usually manage about 6000, so I still have a bit to go, since off days are even worse. Since being a single income household I cannot afford to go to Orange Theory Fitness, as much as I love it. Instead I am doing my own workout plans at Planet Fitness. With Covid-19 closures I have yet to get into much of a routine of that. I'm suspecting this blog will focus on fitness goals, etc. as it is the harder part for me to dial in. 

Finally, today I am going to show a few pics. There will be one history pic that shows me at about 380ish, I probably wasn't even weighing myself then, because I didn't want to know. The rest are since I met my current partner, can you see the joy? I can.

This one is just before I kicked my ex out. 335ish?

A rare pic of me at about my highest weight.

Over 7 months since I last posted....Sorry!

Wow, it has been a bumpy summer. Sadly, as a result of my still not completely working through my coping mechanisms, I have put on some weight. Yesterday, when I stepped on the scale because my clothes weren't fitting right, I was at 314. Okay, so it is still around 15 lbs, but it is in the wrong direction. I'm starting back at school next week, and it is time to get back on track.
We had such a crazy, busy, stressful summer. We had to move at the end of June, right after finals. I did well on finals, and got a 3.81 gpa for the term. Still, there was tons of stress involved with moving, and the place we found first fell through, so that I spent the week after finals looking for a place. We were blessed by our church with lots of help moving out. It was a good thing, and I really needed it.
I feel like we were just starting to recover from the move when our friend, and my daughter's youth pastor, who she deeply loves, drowned in a tragic accident. Add to that the stress that my daughter was present when it happened, and we spent the next part of the summer walking through grief over the tragic loss of a very special person I was looking forward to getting to know better.
Finally, I'm preparing for the first term at OSU, and have come to realize that I am probably changing my major yet again. Understand, this is not a move I would take lightly, I have done it too many times, but I feel like slowly God is refining the vision for where He is taking me. It is becoming clear that we all know we need to exercise and eat better, but the question is why don't we? This is sort of a nature versus nurture question. Is it as simple as the habits we were raised with, or is there some physiological and or psychological impetus that prevents us from doing what we know our bodies need? Is it a spiritual issue? All valid questions, and I really think the answer is some combination of all these factors. However, I want to dig into that further, and I think that is more in the realm of psychology than it is Kinesiology or Nutrition, although those are certainly factors that need to be understood to achieve and maintain a healthy lifestyle.
I'm going to stop there for the day, but more on this soon.

Diet....Not in the sense of Die with a "T"

Wowser, so I had this plan to go vegan. In many ways it was a good thing. I have this incredible blood profile I will post, I have very low cholesterol, however, I just entered some of the foods I've been eating into a tracker and I'm just eating way too many calories in a day. There is a lot of theory that you can't overeat on a vegan diet, and I call hooey on that one. The number of calories we take in still matters, and the scales show it. So, I'm about to reign in my diet yet again.
This time, my very first priority is tracking. I'm finding that vegan is not the right fit for me, although I do like to stick to a primarily vegetarian diet, so I think I'm going to choose to go flexitarian. For those who think I'm making this up, it is a real thing. "Flexitarian is a marriage of two words: flexible and vegetarian...you don't have to eliminate meat completely to reap the health benefits associated with vegetarianism – you can be a vegetarian most of the time, but still chow down on a burger or steak when the urge hits." This approach feels less restrictive to me, and more like the way my natural eating tendencies are.
I'm a week into the big weight loss challenge, and so far I don't think I've lost anything, and after last night's out of control dinner, I doubt I will lose much this week. Reigning it all in is necessity. I want to win this second challenge. I will post the pic for the last two weigh ins of the previous challenge, but I pretty much stayed where I was, and looking at the numbers after I entered my food, I know why. 
Now, to address the title of this blog, the one thing that is tough about working on losing weight is people's perceptions of diets. I know, a million people have said this before, but this isn't about a diet but a lifestyle change, and that is totally true. That being said, rather than feeling restricted I like to feel like I can eat whatever I want, but to do that, I must understand the price. There is a price you know? How much is that cheesecake worth to me? Sure, it may taste great, but if it prevents me from victory in reaching my goal is it worth it? Taking that further, is there a way to indulge the craving without going over the top? I think the easy answer to that one is yes. Find things that will satisfy the craving at a cost you are willing to pay. I have two Trader Joe's faves that fall into this category. The first is their cold brew popsicles, they are only 45 calories each, the second is their soy milk mini ice cream sandwiches that come in at about 90 calories apiece I believe. There are options. What are your go-to small sweet treats? 

Week 2 of the Challenge

Week 2 of the Challenge

First off, I'm sorry I didn't manage to make a post last week. I will continue to try to make a post on Saturdays. Anyway, the first week of the challenge was pretty good, but then I went back up in the second week. I don't know why I seem to hit these points where I stagnate, and one of them is around 295. It is almost as hard as getting below 300 was. Still, Lord willing I will persevere. 

It has been an interesting week. I'm taking two classes that are going to be able to help me pursue my health goals. I'm taking a Lifetime Health and Fitness class, where I'm excited to be able to get some real stats on my health. Plus a Health Determinants class where we are discussing the science behind how to change habits. Both classes should give me some real opportunities to continue to look at my health, and improve my health on many levels. More on that later. This is a great opportunity to use what I'm learning.

The great things that have happened in the last two weeks since school started: I've been planning meals and packing them, I haven't let up on going to Orange Theory, in fact I'm increasing the number of times I go a week, and I've started consistently taking the stairs at school. The bad: I had some high stress last weekend, some trouble adjusting to the sleep schedule, and a few binging  moments, mostly on sunflower seeds. During the stress I had an urge for sweets and combatted that by going to the gym, which was a great change in habit. 

Goals for the next week: Make a plan for what I'm going to do for the next, and more important weight loss challenge, continue with menu planning and meal prep, and add some extra exercise throughout the week. Finally, to make sure I do a blog post again in a week. Until then, have a blessed week, and continue to pursue your own health. 

The Challenge!

I'm sorry it has been so long since I've posted here, but the busy life of a student is my excuse. I will commit to posting once a week in the new year. Be looking for my posts on Saturdays. Today I am starting a challenge posted by a friend. It is an opportunity to win cash prizes for losing weight and getting fit. I have to admit that I went off plan over the holidays. Okay, not crazy off plan. I still went to Orange Theory on Thanksgiving, but I took a break from it for about a week and a half around Christmas. I did my first workout of the New Year on the 1st, and I'm happy that is the way my New Year has started. My weight has kind of been holding just under the 300lb mark, fluctuating between 296-299. I'm hoping the challenge helps me change that.
I've had a lot of people asking me about my blog, and I appreciate all the people who are on this journey with me. I feel like I'm constantly adjusting and shifting the plan to see what is working. In the end I will have the plan that works for me, and probably others. I almost feel like my body constantly needs to be shook up. I fall into a routine all too easy. From working out to diet, my body likes to regulate and stay where it is at. I guess that's where the scientific law of motion comes in, a body in motion stays in motion. That being said, rest was a good thing over the holiday break and I'm ready to get back at it.
A cousin of mine passed away suddenly this week, and I have to say, as with any sudden death, it has made me hyper aware of just how short a time we have here. I don't have time to waste on things that don't matter. Instead my time and energy are valuable, and I need to use them as a precious resource. I'm sure I haven't always been mindful of that, and I'm sure there will be moments when I still don't treat my life that way, but I have a goal in my sights, and I have every intention of reaching it.
Interesting, I have a definite goal, but it cannot be easily defined because I do not yet know what it looks like. My immediate goals are to get into OSU and complete my bachelor's degree in Kinesiology, and while I'm in the process of that get to a normal, healthy weight. I cannot guess what that weight is except to know what would be a normal bmi range for my height. I believe I should be around 140 lbs. A number that is fairly inconceivable to me since I haven't been that size since middle school or so. The bottom line is it isn't only a number, I'm aiming for an active, healthy, lifestyle. It is something I wish I had done sooner, but didn't have the motivation, inspiration, determination, and healing to have done sooner. All things come at the right time, and this is my time. I will be healthier at 50 than I was at 18, I know because I am not letting this go.
Finally, just a few milestones to share: I recently did a workout at Orange Theory where I only had to modify one thing! That was an amazing change. I'm getting up and down off the floor now without problems, and I can be on my knees. I still get back pain when there is a lot of rowing, but my back is getting stronger. Currently I'm eating vegan and loving it, my energy level is up and inflammation is down. How could that not make you feel better? I will likely be sharing some yummy recipes as I find ones I want to share with you. Meanwhile, I hope you are pursuing your health in this new year!
One last thing--I shared my pictures above that are for the new challenge I'm on, but I'm also sharing a "before" picture I found recently. I think in this picture I may be around 380?, I had quite a bit of time where I was too big for my scale, and that is somewhere over 350. I know at least once I went to the doctor and I was 380, so in my mind that is the heaviest I've ever been, but it is possible that it is even more than that. Anyway, it is nice to see the progress from that pic to the ones above.

Sorry I've been away so long, but life is hectic.

Wow! Time has gone by so quickly. I've been very busy with school, where I'm finding chemistry challenging. My weight had been holding, and I think it was the way I was eating. Food was too good at school, and I was eating more there than I should, and it was rich food. That being said, I still eat there once in a while so I don't feel deprived. I made a big dietary decision. Since I do not have time to calculate every morsel that goes in my mouth I'm primarily eating vegan. I'm not going to be dogged about it, although I did start to drop weight right away when I changed.
My first motivation to try veganism again was that I was having lots of inflammation problems, and I knew it had to be food related. Because I was eating out a lot it was hard to calculate things like sodium and fat. I know that even though I've been indulging a bit more in things like nuts and avocado, they are healthy fats, and much better for me than some of the fats I was consuming. Don't get me wrong, there are still lots of things I was doing right, but some old habits resurfaced too. Anyway, the inflammation was nearly immediately resolved, and then my energy level went up too. I'm able to push myself harder at the gym, and I'm sure that I will be seeing that 100lbs down mark sooner than later.
Here is the most astonishing thing, I think I'm becoming a morning person. Something I thought I would never be. I've always been a night owl, finding it hard to go to sleep before 11 and get up before 10, but that is completely different now. I'm super productive in the morning, and I get up by 7 or earlier everyday. A couple of days a week I go to the gym at 5 am. Something I wouldn't have even thought of doing before.
Also, since I've started school I have been making a habit of working on going up and down stairs more. I still usually take an elevator, but I go down stairs one foot at a time and forward. It may sound silly, but that is big progress. I don't know when I started, but at some point I started going down the stairs sideways and had to put both feet on one step before I stepped down to the next. It was a rather slow agonizing process. Going down stairs is still a challenge, but I do push myself to do a few more every week. Plus, my daughter asked me if I would go up the stair with her at Market of Choice one day and I did. She was astonished and said "Mom, you could never have done that so easy in the past." So, there is still constant progress, even though I feel like I've plateaued a bit. I don't plan on letting the holidays reverse that progress, and I should have more time once I'm past finals to let you know some of the strategies I use to keep it healthy during the holidays. Until next time, I hope you are spending time pursuing your health in a new way each day!

Life Changes, Stress, and Lifestyle Management

I know, it has been a while, please excuse the distance between posts. I have been pretty busy. I wasn't planning on doing school full time when I started, I wasn't planning to have a job while in school, but my plate is delightfully full. I'm enjoying having so much time that is productive, something I couldn't have sustained before the lifestyle changes I started in March, but I do still get tired, or perhaps just too busy to think about the minute details.
The biggest change, besides being constantly on the run, and never really having a day home to just relax, is my diet. With busyness comes the problem of lack of time. Lack of time to create the foods I prefer to eat, lack of time to plan ahead. This, and the fact that the school has a culinary department that makes the food, has led me to some less than ideal eating. It is hard to schedule eating 5-6 times a day. It is hard to eat smaller meals. It is hard to prepare meals. Add in a bit of stress, and my eating has not been what it was previously. I think this may be preventing the scale from moving.
All that, but I am not slipping that far into old patterns. I still limit my starchy carbs, I still typically stop at one plate, I still try to use portion control on those things that matter. (In other words anything not vegetable.) My new healthy habits are not gone, but perhaps a bit transformed. I do still go to Orange Theory Fitness 3-5 times a week, and I'm so glad I do.
I'm not sure what the greatest praise in all of this is. My weight has stayed the same under less than ideal circumstances, that is not a bad thing. I have made some really healthy new habits. School is going well, and even though I'm busy I'm more capable of handing that than I was previously. All in all, I feel great about where I'm at. Do I still want to lose more weight? Of course. My goal is to be in a healthy BMI, but I will not condemn myself for where I am right now, and I'm sure the weight will still come off, and I'm certainly giving it no opportunity to come back!